 teach me a new language the one I've been using is lost expired, outdated unwanted, ignored teach me a new way of being me because this way i can no longer afford same old story, "love, love, love"... some strange obsession with the heart, from above that's what it feels like, as in, that's where it came it couldn't have come from this dark place too many strangers with no light, no consciousness of anything but themselves behind their "no one, nothing else exists but me face" I'm a broken record, through the player away stuck on a skip, compelled to pour out my heart, "hope you'll stay" cuz the world i see behind my eyes i think you do too "so many thoughtless, so many lies" but then i realize that's just me, that's not you you could be the happiest guy or girl, alive normal ups and downs amongst your everyday manifest, thrive plenty of friends, "plenty of fish" in the sea, to connect, companionship, your wish if you've got the charisma, got the charm, easy then, normal to find and conquer, so many, disarmed not my world, not my magic me, the boy born worshiping the beautiful ones', tragic lana turner, marilyn monroe "harry reems heaven", and my mother, most of all the ones to give birth, my poetic heart, home a mansion in my mind, filled forever with the beautiful souls, remarkable a sense this encapsulating alone-ness isolative, it would exist there, never and i would not have to feel this, ever again, the sense I'm a fucking freak seemingly incomprehensibly intense "too much" to be anyone's idea of a "whole package", complete just when it seems I'm finally accepted, safe, understood, feeling my "everything, all in" whole hearted, to them is wanted desired of, good it turns out i was just living in a dream "impossible to love", for the long haul, it seems "off the charts", always missing the mark, so sings the song of another love, "of the leave slowly" lark so, i need a new language, i need a new way of being, becoming someone attractive, so "that someone" will stay feel for me, as i feel for them the question has always been can i manage to learn the brutal lessons, and when? not much time left, it's running quite thin "wounded isn't the wanted one" nor is an out pouring heart, so better hide it, eternal find the "turn corner", begin to "get it" now, or get "him" never as the dirt, half hearted shoveled over my grave says "just couldn't get his shit together" so teach me, a new me before it's too late I'd really like the chance to change this path, fate the one I've been, called "give my all and watch me fall" apart, not together, not in love, as in loved, adored by the other the language i speak, of the fool, when i thought, it translated, inside to outward the lover. and i thought that you loved it, an unusual love, unlike any before didn't matter, "the define" i gave you all of my heart, all my focus, energy and time i thought you felt, knew it but big surprise, "warped me", i blew it gave too much and said, spoke even more so teach me a new language one attractive, not repellent cuz I'd really like to be loved, mutually seen as beautiful, adored even if it means i can't be me anymore. (I'm ok with that now, i get the game, score and I'm really fucking tired of ripping myself apart for another only to find myself alone, stupid me and having to pick myself up, in shards, off the floor) not a victim though, yes, a willing participant how could i not be, it was you, the one thing i couldn't escape and like the school of seven bells sang "the heart is strange and dissonant" bowen hart roselli 30 november 2020 ringwald love
0 Comments
 "i should've woken up at once, but this was no concern of mine" - front 242 - quite unusual needy, broken lost, disturbed borderline psycho, borderline everything less than zero, as in no sustainable self worth... fractured psyche, pouring out heart devoting myself to the cause of others caring too much, like a forgotten, fallen art too much emotion too many words too much emphasis on what it all means as if searching every avenue to the ends of the earth too much of too much and of "chill" and "cool" how to be, play never learned that skill well enough easily devoured, even more so, overpowered by the want, the hope it will all be ok tell that to the fool for love on perpetual bended knee he prays cuz love ain't cash, savings in the bank success equals money and status and power better get together, sooner than later join the "right side", "right path" ranks... stronger, wiser, "focus, focus" don't believe in the "hocus pocus" that tells you being a good human matters what's that? it's called your heart, soul scarred, shattered to say nothing of the effect on your mind who's got the empathy? who's got the time? uh, that would be no one or, on a positive note, one in a hundred, very few trust me, i fucked up royal seeing, feeling the goodness in others, and i know this is true as i count every split in my blind, stupid damage psyche clot every wound, tend every bruise thoroughly torn apart, completely spent, used takes every last ounce, the deficit of energy, hope inside to get through each day slightly more than bereft, beam "enthused" cuz no one wants a party pooper it's "uplift others always", to be loved be "super duper!" "super positive", superman and always lend an ear, a hand even if that ain't returned, that's not their fault, it's mine I've learned hand to flame, stove top of love, burned an exceptional student, at the "use, discard" churn but my p.h.d in "asshole" never got me anywhere what gets me aroused, stirred would give most of you, lucky quite a cringe, if not a scare sociopath, narcissist? yeah, my cock rock hard from this "republican dick", selfish prick let's get the mind fuck on, with this... "he doesn't abuse me, he just treats me like shit" big difference, distinction someone like me tortured, tormented, it's not a game for attention it's me. so open my skull, kitchen sink, wash my brain free you and me, from every ounce, absorption, this pain the belief in one's good, at the expense of the bad "damaged people, damage you" fuck up your head, condition the brainwash with a combined, sweet shampoo lathered, massaged, fingers in the mind "coocoo for cocoa puffs" these, the men, my kryptonite, my kind drawn, like proverbial moth, cliche, flame like i said, that's on me so I'll take it, it's easier lay upon me, all of it it's my fault, the blame. "lost" is humiliating embarrassing, ugly and overflowing with an engulfing sense, shame it's no fun, and it never was to feel like no matter how hard you try, how much you give or care, or love work hard and harder, harder still i always end up in a place, the same so just do it, like "screw it" I apologize, wholeheartedly for being me, "too much, too intense", emotionally, "thoughtfully" i surrender once more, i give in, give up it's me, i am the only one here to blame (see, that was easy, and it comes so naturally inside of me, now we're both free... and at ease) bowen hart roselli 30 november 2020 ringwald love  when your well has run completely dry and you find yourself licking the last drops of water off the roughshod sides sinking further settling into the reality this is just you, this is just your life... when everyone else is "getting lucky", getting laid as you sit thinking of others who aren't thinking of you brutal realities bring you to levels of a devastate a.k.a. "plain hard fact, even harsher, heart truth" or stop for no one who's not stopping for you I've a tendency to be broken by others, "fair game" to be cut deep inside, just slap me so labeled, "a sickness, sensitivity" easily scarred, even easier, slain I'd kill for someone to see, love me deep to deeper, as i do them but it's here we arrive at my own doing, downfall, my "lost in love" sin i get swept away in the magic, mesmerize of a rare "another" the kind you'd call unlike any other lose myself, thoroughly mean well, but I'm just the love, without the lover because I'm lead by, follow my heart to the heights of heaven, depths of hell that's what you do when you really care unlike all the frauds, who fake the words have no concept, the real gift of love's swell a sweet devotion divine, i've lived enough without to know and cherish, treasure it well but misunderstood, like an alien, a fool unable to play by the self protective playbook, the rules perfected, since preschool or really, it seems, from the start this valentine, written in the sky, prayers of "please be mine" tragedy-lovelorn work of art never worked out, the gods, too busy you can pray all ya want but once the soda, popped one can't stop the bubbles from fizzing and what happens after that they just fade, fall flat yeah i know, have had enough of that this, my life, not where "the happening's at" it's at someone else's party, on someone else's prick it's inside, someone else's wet pussy off someone else's lips, tongues, for the tasting ripe for deep kissing, taste, lick someone else hearing the words of love, romance, adoration someone else getting the gift of "sweet fuck, yes" soul sensual sensations i want a new life, manifest a new me this one sucks, I've seen, been, the bottom of the well it's time to scratch and claw my way free 'cuz trust me, it ain't worth it, the endless stories of heartbreak to tell would just like one chance for a little heaven before i go exhausted, inner rage that somehow I'm the kid in "skid", before row the kind in the heart, yeah i know, it's my fault but you gotta own up to your shit before you can finally change it put it to rest, as in a "fuck you" stop, halt change is lonely cuz it's all inside you as in me, cuz all i truly wanted was for another to fall for me too they couldn't, wouldn't, didn't so it's really "fuck me" lastly, fist me first, hope i wet their whistle just a bit, possibly even quenched their thirst and for this shitty karma called me, my heart my way of being, perceiving let me find my way out, a new start please, the fuck out of god let me learn, let me change so what, if yeah, one could say i'm a bit delicately, divinely deranged. let me start over, wiser something, but nothing, left, the old me, to prove call this fucked up life, if not this fucked up mind, a slate wiped clean and even more than that absolutely and thoroughly, finally, for the love of, and in the name of truth to live, a changed man, in the incredible, indelible etch inside so inspired, so alive, in the reflection that is the inspiration known in me, as you. the one who called me to something higher something beyond all this garbage inside that blocks out the sun and sullies the innocence i found in the confusing, yet life altering, presence of you, my admired. bowen hart roselli 29 november 2020 ringwald love  I'm just a body dragging around the insides of me that thing called a soul nobody wants, and even fewer can see and even worse, this heart of intensity how it causes most to run away, faster, faster they apologize sometimes offerings of "sorry", or not, as they flee my fault. I'll own it the heart is to hide nothing to share so much of, outgrown it.. most, as they evolve only an idiot thinks it, still what "real life" revolves romance begins and ends at the pants unzipped, unearthed ride it, hard, home like it's your last chance to connect, brief, the moment everything you are and aren't you gotta live with, you gotta own it every thought i think every poison i drink every word i speak every ray of light/dark i leak every choice i make every chance, out of fear, i don't take every dream i drown every kingdom, in my mind, i crown as the only way that anything can be all these limitations, are me every hope, face, i pin my heart on when the message has always been it's all and just about the hard on and damn, i was once, so exceptional at that hit every home run when given the chance up at bat wasn't a dirty deed i wouldn't do you know what they say about lonely kids, "born to screw" i didn't say it and i didn't make the rules i just never learned em right, one of those kind of perpetual fools i am, i was and I'll take the blame for every misstep, misplayed game i didn't quite get that's all this is I'm like that remake, wizard of oz, "the wiz" complete and total shit, but loved by some strange few, and that's enough to get me just enough thought and mention enough to sustain, beyond myself a shred of longevity, "still alive" beyond lack of accolades, "good intentions" they say it's called human, the need for some kind of love and attention but human was never good enough, for me couldn't live with myself let alone, all the horrid garbage I've seen the things we do to ourselves and others this ain't no place for kind hearts, lovers who see and care, beyond themselves just hand them a one way ticket to hell cuz that's what it is and that's how it feels so says the bleed that the need never heals to give more, listen more "be there" more, just a "love more" whore that's all i am and all i became as again and again the intensity of my out pouring heart and emotions are to blame no victim, no whining shit, i don't even ask, "take me dining" out, that's not what any of this was about it was "i loved you" never wanted you to feel, be left, any doubt... except you didn't need or really want it, from me most don't, and it's ok we can later, fight over who gets to lay claim, the knife to plunge in to kill off the underneath, my un-pretty skin covering up my the organs, responsible the propensity for never ending levels of love, thought drown and their unwanted gushing bleed of intensity. bowen hart roselli 29 november 2020 ringwald love  is it "crazy", or just an awareness, a fourth dimensional layer, invisible, like an extra sensory perception? i "just knew" this world, we humans occupy was a pretty awful place since arriving... and it's the people who make it that way not nature, not trees, not animals, not their fault as the saying goes "people ruin everything"... and yet there was love and intricate trees, dog, cats, horses other, although rare, magical beings, filled with a light, an innate sensitivity that called to, spoke of almost otherworldly things didn't realize others didn't see the world like me (you mean everyone doesn't live for, to give love?) in the greater, grander scheme of things didn't realize all the time spent within meant, i may be somewhat a success at being a caring, if cut up, soul (although overly caring, time again, I'm told) but that I'd be an utter failure at the game, real life success, it seems, comes easier to most, not overly preoccupied with being so god damned "sweet" and nice to say nothing of the war inside the darkness in me, a split down the center vacillating between them, light/dark, I've no choice but to fight for every scrap of joy and hope to stave off the scar blind tendency , "grab rope" to hang myself, of the overthinking, overly intense, overly thoughtful emotional scope i just don't get it, the why i am me sick of it, bones and skin that trap me here always seeking a new way to become someone else, begin again "not in the cards" smiled the sea of ever watching circling sharks but blessed, i had found, some true friends those fellow "prone to the throne of feeling fractured, at wits end" of simply trying, amongst the perpetual denying, surrounded by a swarm of bees brings the simply aspiring to be a better man, woman, here to their exhausted, war worn knees. (off the mark, off the map if you find yourself here, a heart who places immeasurable value in all the littlest things and the live to hope just to love the state of tiny magic, live to bring a smile, and a sense you, yes, were heard, felt, seen)... and hand you the stars that you refuse to see you handed to me. the mystery of what "undeserving", does it mean? who put that in you? like a knife in the fight just to believe your own dreams therein lies the embankment created to separate you from me. and me, from you, because i get it, i do somehow your troubles, i relate to them, struggle seen (in our minds we create, cultivate secrets and worlds, made of monsters and ghosts, the past, the present, so many things, to deny ourselves the beautiful we might experience, the song of a love pure, innocent, it sings) you are heaven on fire. and all i had hoped for but never knew, until the day came that found me alive, awake inside these eyes in multi-captivated ways for you, this undying admire. (fellow fragile human, how you hide it well your own multispectral story to tell) bowen hart roselli 26 november 2020 ringwald love  never good enough, I'm aware of it difference is now, i am not scared of it if its not the body, it's the mind or I'm too intense or too damn kind not successful enough, i know it and all my "fucked up", i've a tendency to show it whether it's "the girl" in my voice or another stupid, shitty life choice another "see the good in", i should not have entertained or my propensity, procrastinate all the failures, my life, I'm the first to acknowledge, take full responsibility, blame cuz this, the path i sold my soul the path of love, as in live, give, old this is not the world they said it was blood stains, dried, on white, shot doves the ones' released at weddings and formals for some of us here, there is no such thing as remotely even close to "normal" weird shit follows and finds, from the start all the stories, insane i could, true, so impart instilled, real young, this place is quite awful "people ruin everything" if only the evils of selfishness and cruelty, deemed unlawful but that's what makes the world go 'round one man's ocean is another one's drown one girl's "get" is another wounded woman's "can't forget" as every possibility, proposed "it could be yours", with the right perspective imposed "lemons from lemonade" and "pennies earned as pennies saved" what about the teaching, "to be loved, first be laid" yeah, that one never worked, at least for me, the beds, broken i made... after the screw, after the fuck i was actually good at that but sucking, rubbing on cock it never brought me much luck so i went deeper, in the dirt, in the dark "psycho sexuality", the place preferred, my rear end, parked only took me further, self destruction split my psyche apart, an induction to a gang, society sociopathic not the best place for one innately empathic but get off i did, til it wired me wrong as in was already "off" to begin with, lifelong so ruin me once and destroy me then, twice if i only had a dime for every time I've been told "you're so sweet, you're too nice".. please. kill me, right there upon those words they are code for "I'm sorry, but you are boring because you love, like a girl".. and not one crazy enough in "the bad" for the boys that like that, see me react with anger, flip out, lash back see...i save that shit, mostly for myself the world offers enough of it and i refuse to be, act like the mostly "everyone else" see,i am my own worst enemy, you see and to be loved, like i can that will, it seems, no, not ever be me but fuck it, so i didn't do the best that i could cultivate a worthiness, a successful self to manifest the right man, of heart good or "heart something" at least, that'd be more than the most i spread, so "super" 'n soulful for under the sheets to be loved, the cycle spins high, stops, repeats one day, in my "outta here" this war with myself, where "the hurt" led me, heaven with some, at least, found it and I'll smile, once the coming of my battle here complete. (no more worry, insecurity, instability this specter of emotion, misplaced energy, called me..) I'll be freed. bowen hart roselli 26 november 2020 ringwald love  the hearts that hide, the hearts that have died the ones that strangely beat, out of time... a heart for him, a heart for her all the things that aren't now but yes, they once were the ghosts that haunt, inside our heads the secrets that we keep, un-bled the things we say, but don't just the same the beasts within, we cannot tame so die, we do in fits and spurts the vulnerability, hope slain strained, our self worth confidence, assurance found, then gone we beat ourselves mercilessly for all that we got, went wrong... along the way, along the path chosen for ourselves?, is it really that simple, we reap the shame of our "should've known" wrath better or beforehand, as if we are machines reduced to the lowest of demonstrative means "so...I'm the fag" and she's the tagged, as in "teamed", if you know what i mean and he's "the straight", so that's gotta be exact, like an arrow".. who can you trust as your walls close in, tightly narrow seems we gotta live, breathe by the rules, roles defined as they grow ever more labeled, welcome to the wonderland death of soul, lose your mind... amongst all the chatter and all the garbage that does not matter everything, at our fingertips, easy.. too bad all the gluttony leaves little here of lasting, love, meaning... that place inside, the divine hold, the heart seems so many moments wasted seen "the end", from the start.. skipping through the center, who has time for that? stillness seen as a languorous loser, yeah, "the winners", time filled, "busy busy" at bat swinging, hitting it, outta the park bragging rights, all light, all shine, no shadows, dare be illuminated, dark "look what I'm called, worship my title" no time for leaving the clutch fixed on idle but you, the one thing I'd stop everything and all for and with, so delicately mesmerizing, your call of the wild, and of "the wolf" i know the difference of a fraudulent frame, mistook as the one, to behold, painted gold but underneath, nothing there soul, a void, called "already sold" that's not you, you remarkable being as such, the awakening to a divine light, sight, seeing all the things i couldn't, my blind your nuance, your nectar it's soaked, "one of a kind" the mystery of you, utter magic to me inspires endless flights of "found" within the realm of the unknown, aroused seen. you, for what you bleed, you are the mirror to that universe you love, filled with stars none of them perfect, matter fractured, rough, glow and shine, they still do filled with so much, no "just any other" can know no choice, but to leave behind all i thought i was, seek the strength, awakened, to grow no choice but to love you for the soul, striking, like sacred, you are i thought i was searching lost, in a dream, king of hearts until i met you, found before me, right there standing the king of the stars. bowen hart roselli 22 november 2020 ringwald love  hello fellow traveler, felt, seemed like i knew you seemed, felt like you knew me too something treading on extraordinary in that it was a connection not typical aka shallow aka all smiles, all chit chat, all based in a pleasant nothingness, hollow seems i felt then, a safety to be my self and give you my absolute sincerity, star shine, heart mined to its depths gave you my gold, joyfully, happily so so...what happened? no idea maybe... you, the most beautiful illusion i never could've known thought i was an asset to your energy not a building block intrusion stable foundations a flow, a force, unforced, flowing, natural thereby wonderful, therefore a kid at christmas how my senses remember you vividly just being there, with around, unexpectedly enlightened... now i simply don't know where it all went suspended animation it shows that I'm not that important like you, so important to me things just are, nothing bad, nothing wrong it's up to you, bring your plate to the party i adore you, regardless but I'm torn, as to the truth, heart of you fellow traveler do you at least kind of consistent kind of like me? still around still here like the sun it rises, it falls it hides behind clouds then it bursts, beams of heaven you could get away with murder and on the witness stand I'd lie for you cuz that's what real friends, rare, do amongst a brotherhood of fellow human travelers in a world of posing people, found... in suspended animation a propensity to care what you go through, what you feel maybe not equal between us but the truth remains, regardless, the human disposition to drown in ourselves, me, a stranger but the glory, the gift, it became a you, a me, an us, i felt bloom, loved it's spell. lived it well. gave it my all. no sadness, then remains in the suspended animation of the "how could i not?" for you, fall. in a way you can call it whatever you'd like or don't call it anything it's a distinct possibility you may, may not or...just...might... call me one day remembered, remarked as your friend in a way known, actualized only to us... mutual reciprocity mutually integrated trust. the beautiful things, they last beyond the questions of mind, the chaos of concern, forward thrust.... and heart-breakers have their reasons, i guess. just as heart makers feel such love, unwaveringly undyingly no matter what, i confess. bowen hart roselli 20 november 2020 ringwald love  every avenue explored every leaf, overturned the urge, the instinct find me a patch of dirt under the safety, sanctuary towering trees and break my will, to these bruised bones thoroughly devoured, disintegrate into the soil will i finally then be visible, once invisible? and let me face every horrid truth the selfishness of others under all the smiles, "nice words" all the words, that's just what they are empty of action, devoid any real lasting, encapsulating passion of skin and limb to heart and mind so few of us left here the "put you before me", "soulfully sensitive kind"... and let me own every misfire every "my fault", how I'm wired to believe in things now fallen away inner character means little than less here, best to learn quickly this "out for self only" game and let me go then, smiling last breath, cracked skin, lips as i told you, i never belonged here it was the truth as I've been shown over thinking, over dreaming over feeling, the meaning the value, importance of love tenderness, tumultuous the divine attempt, work involved, it's profound, yet preyed upon significance yet i loved with all my being, my heart i guess, "the fool" i claimed it, my part to play here, scenarios, scenes inside this film, haunted brain once devoured by the earth i will have the final freedom to fly and flourish wings of remembrance my blindness, the power of your beautiful upon me, some star it will shine, see me as home, worthy of the covet and lifelong quest, for release within the honorable hurt, bleed, no more "brutalize" amongst it's "yes", want of me, realized, then so claimed. bowen hart roselli 11 november 2020 ringwald love  how alone we are, in our fragile little worlds excuses as insights, selfish "stay shallows", like pawns, shopped, our pearls of wisdom for "want it less" as more here now, land of fear, of truth, pleasantries, lies, as "confess" how easily we toss each other aside the laws of love and nature we simultaneously betray and abide if it suits the pursuit in the moment we own it and if it doesn't we shun it walk past or run it away, cast out no time, thought "last rites" delivered, with barely even a piss or a pout label me a failure and just get on with it.. what the look back reveals.. that's essentially the short, and everlasting long of it been plenty wrong about shit and paid the price, now sick of, here heart haunted, i sit wondering... was i wrong about you? yeah, "been one too many of those" stains the magic 8 ball shake, "yes or no", fuck "maybe", the truth so lets just chalk it up to choices, poor, made seems a lifetime of those has left me, "the look forward", fade here i look back and see you are long gone... wish you'd stayed to realize our "world's collide" all the unexplored moments the promise of things, yet to come, shame, we hide truth, it saves. or so they speak, as in, they say instead, another autopilot, "lost life" day gone, and spent looking back, and for what? best, the turmoil, when turned, within, signs of scars, wounds shown, when to give up give in, another gone, ever really there? what the look back reveals i cannot say, broken becomes us well, it seems.. pursuits of self, glorified blinded, the headlights' glare but never will i forget the love pour, seen your indispensable, "feelings felt" stare it may have been brief but yes, it was there now gone drown, my insides alone I'm aware. what exactly are we doing here? says the one who overthinks but thinks of you, nonetheless some of us, to detriment think of others more, "the care" it's not something planned i guess, the purpose served for each of us here, brought forth, beyond beatings of the ego, the heart the mind, little innocence spared. bowen hart roselli 14 november 2020 ringwald love |
the realm of the poetic.
prisoner of the psyche and the inescapable. heart. Archives
January 2021
Categories |
RSS Feed