evolve me As Attractive, attractively please...

teach me a new language
the one I've been using is lost
expired, outdated
unwanted, ignored
teach me a new way of being me
because this way i can no longer afford

same old story,
"love, love, love"...
some strange obsession
with the heart, from above

that's what it feels like,
as in, that's where it came
it couldn't have come
from this dark place
too many strangers
with no light, no consciousness
of anything but themselves
behind their
"no one, nothing else exists
but me face"

I'm a broken record,
through the player away
stuck on a skip,
compelled to pour out my heart,
"hope you'll stay"

cuz the world i see behind my eyes
i think you do too
"so many thoughtless, so many lies"
but then i realize that's just me,
that's not you

you could be the happiest
guy or girl, alive
normal ups and downs
amongst your everyday manifest, thrive   

plenty of friends, "plenty of fish"
in the sea, to connect,
companionship, your wish
if you've got the charisma,
got the charm, easy then, normal
to find and conquer, so many,
disarmed

not my world, not my magic
me, the boy born worshiping
the beautiful ones', tragic
lana turner, marilyn monroe
"harry reems heaven",
and my mother, most of all
the ones to give birth,
my poetic heart, home

a mansion in my mind,
filled forever
with the beautiful souls, remarkable
a sense this encapsulating alone-ness
isolative, it would exist there, never
and i would not
have to feel this, ever

again, the sense
I'm a fucking freak
seemingly incomprehensibly intense
"too much" to be anyone's idea
of a "whole package", complete

just when it seems
I'm finally accepted, safe, understood,
feeling my "everything, all in"
whole hearted, to them is wanted
desired of, good
it turns out i was just living in a dream
"impossible to love",
for the long haul, it seems

"off the charts",
always missing the mark,
so sings the song of another
love, "of the leave slowly" lark

so, i need a new language,
i need a new way
of being, becoming
someone attractive,
so "that someone" will stay

feel for me, as i feel for them
the question has always been
can i manage to learn
the brutal lessons, and when?

not much time left,
it's running quite thin
"wounded isn't the wanted one"
nor is an out pouring heart,
so better hide it, eternal
find the "turn corner", begin

to "get it" now, or get "him" never
as the dirt, half hearted
shoveled over my grave
says

"just couldn't get his shit together"

so teach me, a new me
before it's too late
I'd really like the chance
to change this path, fate

the one I've been, called
"give my all and watch me fall"
apart, not together,
not in love, as in loved, adored
by the other

the language i speak,
of the fool, when i thought,
it translated, inside to outward

the lover.

and i thought that you loved it,
an unusual love, unlike any before

didn't matter, "the define"
i gave you all of my heart,
all my focus, energy and time

i thought you felt, knew it
but big surprise, "warped me",
i blew it

gave too much and said, spoke
even more

so teach me a new language
one attractive, not repellent

cuz I'd really like to be loved,
mutually seen as beautiful, adored

even if it means
i can't be me

anymore.

(I'm ok with that now,
i get the game, score
and I'm really fucking tired
of ripping myself apart for another
only to find myself alone, stupid me
and having to pick myself up,
in shards, off the floor)

not a victim though,
yes, a willing participant
how could i not be,
it was you, the one thing
i couldn't escape

and like the school of seven bells sang

"the heart is strange and dissonant"


bowen hart roselli
30 november 2020
ringwald love