let's just blame it on me (it's easier that way, exhausted, thanks)

 

"i should've woken up at once,
but this was no concern of mine"

- front 242 - quite unusual


needy, broken
lost, disturbed
borderline psycho,
borderline everything
less than zero,
as in no sustainable
self worth...

fractured psyche,
pouring out heart
devoting myself
to the cause of others
caring too much,
like a forgotten, fallen art

too much emotion
too many words
too much emphasis
on what it all means
as if searching every avenue
to the ends of the earth

too much of too much
and of "chill" and "cool"
how to be, play
never learned that skill
well enough

easily devoured,
even more so, overpowered
by the want, the hope
it will all be ok
tell that to the fool for love
on perpetual bended knee he prays

cuz love ain't cash,
savings in the bank
success equals money
and status and power
better get together,
sooner than later
join the "right side",
"right path" ranks...

stronger, wiser,
"focus, focus"
don't believe in the "hocus pocus"
that tells you
being a good human
matters
what's that?
it's called your heart, soul
scarred, shattered

to say nothing
of the effect on your mind
who's got the empathy?
who's got the time?

uh, that would be no one
or, on a positive note,
one in a hundred, very few
trust me, i fucked up royal
seeing, feeling the goodness in others,
and i know this is true
as i count every split in my blind,
stupid damage psyche
clot every wound, tend every bruise

thoroughly torn apart,
completely spent, used
takes every last ounce,
the deficit of energy, hope inside
to get through each day
slightly more than bereft,
beam "enthused"

cuz no one wants a party pooper
it's "uplift others always", to be loved
be "super duper!"
"super positive", superman
and always lend an ear, a hand

even if that ain't returned,
that's not their fault, it's mine
I've learned
hand to flame, stove top of love,
burned
an exceptional student,
at the "use, discard" churn

but my p.h.d in "asshole"
never got me anywhere
what gets me aroused, stirred
would give most of you, lucky
quite a cringe, if not a scare

sociopath, narcissist?
yeah, my cock rock hard from this
"republican dick", selfish prick
let's get the mind fuck on, with this...

"he doesn't abuse me,
he just treats me like shit"
big difference, distinction
someone like me
tortured, tormented,
it's not a game for attention

it's me.

so open my skull, kitchen sink,
wash my brain
free you and me,
from every ounce, absorption,
this pain

the belief in one's good,
at the expense of the bad
"damaged people, damage you"
fuck up your head,
condition the brainwash
with a combined, sweet shampoo

lathered, massaged,
fingers in the mind
"coocoo for cocoa puffs"
these, the men,
my kryptonite, my kind

drawn, like proverbial
moth, cliche, flame
like i said, that's on me
so I'll take it, it's easier
lay upon me, all of it

it's my fault, the blame.

"lost" is humiliating
embarrassing, ugly
and overflowing
with an engulfing sense, shame

it's no fun, and it never was
to feel like no matter
how hard you try,
how much you give
or care, or love

work hard and harder,
harder still

i always end up
in a place, the same

so just do it, like "screw it"
I apologize, wholeheartedly
for being me,
"too much, too intense",
emotionally, "thoughtfully"

i surrender once more,
i give in, give up

it's me,
i am the only one here
to blame

(see, that was easy, and it comes so naturally
inside of me, now we're both free...
and at ease)


bowen hart roselli
30 november 2020
ringwald love