this life sucks, i want a new one (Change)

 

 
when your well has run completely dry
and you find yourself
licking the last drops of water off the roughshod sides 
sinking further
settling into the reality
this is just you,
this is just your life...

when everyone else
is "getting lucky", getting laid
as you sit thinking of others
who aren't thinking of you
brutal realities bring you to levels
of a devastate a.k.a. 
"plain hard fact, even harsher, heart truth"

or
stop for no one
who's not stopping for you
I've a tendency to be broken by others, "fair game"
to be cut deep inside,
just slap me so labeled,
"a sickness, sensitivity"
easily scarred, even easier, slain

I'd kill
for someone to see, love me
deep to deeper, as i do them
but it's here we arrive
at my own doing, downfall,
my "lost in love" sin

i get swept away
in the magic, mesmerize
of a rare "another"
the kind you'd call unlike any other
lose myself, thoroughly
mean well, but I'm just
the love, without the lover

because I'm lead by,
follow my heart
to the heights of heaven,
depths of hell
that's what you do when you really care
unlike all the frauds, who fake the words
have no concept, the real gift of love's swell
a sweet devotion divine, i've lived enough without
to know and cherish, treasure it well

but misunderstood, like an alien, a fool
unable to play by the self protective playbook, the rules
perfected, since preschool
or really, it seems, from the start
this valentine, written in the sky,
prayers of "please be mine"
tragedy-lovelorn work of art

never worked out,
the gods, too busy
you can pray all ya want
but once the soda, popped
one can't stop the bubbles
from fizzing

and what happens after that
they just fade, fall flat
yeah i know,
have had enough of that
this, my life, not where
"the happening's at"

it's at someone else's party,
on someone else's prick
it's inside, someone else's wet pussy
off someone else's lips,
tongues, for the tasting
ripe for deep kissing, taste, lick

someone else hearing the words
of love, romance, adoration
someone else getting the gift
of "sweet fuck, yes" soul sensual sensations

i want a new life,
manifest a new me
this one sucks,
I've seen, been, the bottom of the well
it's time to scratch and claw my way free

'cuz trust me,
it ain't worth it,
the endless stories
of heartbreak to tell

would just like one chance
for a little heaven before i go
exhausted, inner rage
that somehow I'm the kid
in "skid", before row

the kind in the heart,
yeah i know, it's my fault
but you gotta own up to your shit
before you can finally change it
put it to rest, as in a "fuck you"
stop, halt

change is lonely
cuz it's all inside you
as in me, cuz all i truly wanted
was for another to fall for me too

they couldn't, wouldn't, didn't
so it's really "fuck me" lastly, fist me first,
hope i wet their whistle just a bit,
possibly even quenched their thirst

and for this shitty karma
called me, my heart
my way of being, perceiving
let me find my way out, a new start

please, the fuck out of god
let me learn, let me change
so what, if yeah, one could say
i'm a bit delicately, divinely deranged.

let me start over, wiser
something, but nothing, left, the old me, to prove

call this fucked up life,
if not this fucked up mind,

a slate wiped clean
and even more than that
absolutely and thoroughly,
finally, for the love of,
and in the name of truth

to live, a changed man,
in the incredible, indelible etch inside
so inspired, so alive, in the reflection that is
the inspiration known in me, as you.

the one who called me to something higher
something beyond all this garbage inside
that blocks out the sun and sullies the innocence
i found in the confusing, yet life altering, presence of you,
my admired.

bowen hart roselli
29 november 2020
ringwald love