To be loved.

never good enough,
I'm aware of it
difference is now,
i am not scared of it

if its not the body,
it's the mind
or I'm too intense
or too damn kind

not successful enough,
i know it
and all my "fucked up",
i've a tendency to show it

whether it's "the girl" in my voice
or another stupid, shitty life choice
another "see the good in",
i should not have entertained
or my propensity, procrastinate
all the failures, my life,
I'm the first to acknowledge,
take full responsibility, blame

cuz this, the path i sold my soul
the path of love, as in live, give, old
this is not the world
they said it was
blood stains, dried, on white,
shot doves

the ones' released at weddings
and formals
for some of us here,
there is no such thing
as remotely even close to "normal"

weird shit follows
and finds, from the start
all the stories, insane
i could, true, so impart

instilled, real young,
this place is quite awful
"people ruin everything"
if only the evils of selfishness
and cruelty, deemed unlawful

but that's what makes
the world go 'round
one man's ocean
is another one's drown

one girl's "get"
is another wounded woman's
"can't forget"
as every possibility, proposed
"it could be yours",
with the right perspective imposed

"lemons from lemonade"
and "pennies earned as pennies saved"
what about the teaching,
"to be loved, first be laid"
yeah, that one never worked,
at least for me, the beds, broken
i made...

after the screw, after the fuck
i was actually good at that
but sucking, rubbing on cock
it never brought me much luck

so i went deeper, in the dirt,
in the dark
"psycho sexuality", the place
preferred, my rear end, parked

only took me further, self destruction
split my psyche apart, an induction
to a gang, society sociopathic
not the best place
for one innately empathic

but get off i did,
til it wired me wrong
as in was already "off"
to begin with, lifelong

so ruin me once
and destroy me then, twice
if i only had a dime
for every time I've been told
"you're so sweet, you're too nice"..

please.
kill me, right there
upon those words
they are code for
"I'm sorry, but you are boring
because you love, like a girl"..

and not one crazy enough
in "the bad"
for the boys that like that,
see me react with anger,
flip out, lash back

see...i save that shit,
mostly for myself
the world offers enough of it
and i refuse to be, act
like the mostly "everyone else"

see,i am my own worst enemy,
you see
and to be loved, like i can
that will, it seems,
no, not ever be me

but fuck it,
so i didn't do the best that i could
cultivate a worthiness,
a successful self
to manifest the right man,
of heart good

or "heart something"
at least, that'd be more than the most
i spread, so "super" 'n soulful for
under the sheets

to be loved,
the cycle spins high,
stops, repeats

one day, in my "outta here"
this war with myself,
where "the hurt" led me, heaven
with some, at least, found it

and I'll smile, once the coming
of my battle here

complete.

(no more worry, insecurity, instability
this specter of emotion,
misplaced energy, called me..)

I'll be freed.

bowen hart roselli
26 november 2020
ringwald love