(Taking) ownership of me.

 

I'm just a body
dragging around
the insides of me
that thing called a soul
nobody wants,
and even fewer can see

and even worse,
this heart of intensity
how it causes most
to run away, faster, faster
they apologize sometimes
offerings of "sorry", or not,
as they flee

my fault.
I'll own it
the heart is to hide
nothing to share so much of,
outgrown it..

most, as they evolve
only an idiot thinks it, still
what "real life" revolves
romance begins and ends
at the pants
unzipped, unearthed
ride it, hard, home
like it's your last chance

to connect, brief, the moment
everything you are and aren't
you gotta live with, you gotta own it

every thought i think
every poison i drink
every word i speak
every ray of light/dark i leak

every choice i make
every chance, out of fear, i don't take
every dream i drown
every kingdom, in my mind, i crown

as the only way
that anything can be
all these limitations, are me

every hope, face, i pin my heart on
when the message has always been
it's all and just about the hard on

and damn, i was once,
so exceptional at that
hit every home run
when given the chance
up at bat

wasn't a dirty deed i wouldn't do
you know what they say
about lonely kids,
"born to screw"

i didn't say it
and i didn't make the rules
i just never learned em right,
one of those kind of perpetual fools

i am, i was
and I'll take the blame
for every misstep, misplayed game
i didn't quite get
that's all this is
I'm like that remake, wizard of oz,
"the wiz"

complete and total shit,
but loved
by some strange few,
and that's enough

to get me just enough
thought and mention
enough to sustain, beyond myself
a shred of longevity, "still alive"
beyond lack of accolades,
"good intentions"

they say it's called human,
the need for some kind of love
and attention

but human
was never good enough, for me
couldn't live with myself
let alone, all the horrid garbage
I've seen

the things we do
to ourselves and others
this ain't no place
for kind hearts, lovers

who see and care, beyond themselves
just hand them
a one way ticket to hell
cuz that's what it is
and that's how it feels
so says the bleed that the need
never heals

to give more, listen more
"be there" more,
just a "love more" whore

that's all i am
and all i became
as again and again
the intensity of my out pouring
heart and emotions are to blame

no victim, no whining
shit, i don't even ask,
"take me dining"
out, that's not what any of this
was about

it was "i loved you"
never wanted you to feel, be left,
any doubt...

except you didn't need
or really want it, from me

most don't, and it's ok
we can later, fight over
who gets to lay claim,
the knife to plunge in
to kill off the underneath, my un-pretty skin
covering up my the organs,
responsible the propensity
for never ending levels of love, thought drown
and their unwanted
gushing bleed of

intensity.


bowen hart roselli
29 november 2020
ringwald love