 follow your own path reap the warring wrath of opinion, opinion all around and the more insight you seek, the more you drown my fault, auto-mode needing to speak, communicate those close and that is what happens, those who matter the most.. see and perceive you, as they do love and connection, a gift but you gotta know when, trust yourself, alone it's arms are outstretched, calling you hardest thing in the world, let go of all the things you think you know questioning every move you make worried, perceptions of others the steps you take then fire rises deep inside, fuck "the need", fuck the tries to be understood, its about as possible as "soft and moist" is wood and so the war, is really within and without, "the guy" who the answers you seek, but he will not bend so you search and search, emote and write.. what you hope, be seen as beautiful things but one can't control how another reads, perceives.. and with silence, distance comes a new kind of "destroy" patience is a virtue, but so, i guess, i feeling like a toy to be wound and bound pulled apart, back and forth is this all a delusion? some past life intrusion i have no clue, only missing pieces to a puzzle, befuddled that to which way the pressure, releases... trapped or not or simply an occasional moment of thought welcome to a world, a hundred ways, communicate but all that means now, the "oversaturate state" push it all out, as in away and learn to focus what most is.. important essential ignore, block out all the inconsequential that drowns us all, all around, no escape.. cleanse the thoughts in your head breathe and pray and learn to breathe, bathe in the simple silence of wait. for answers that may or may never come this body, this soul all that I'll ever know.. this heart, this voice is there a love to be reflected "no choice" as in fall in love with you too and let one plus one equal the incredible reality of two something, sadly to the "easy come", easy goes but to the alone, deep inside we hold a pain that so few embrace, seem to know in the search, feel, awareness, divine here is not a place, that values it, valor land of embittered and bastardized time dream, dream on and shine, if you can at the end of it all, what lies left, in your hands? memories, moments so like magic, reigned down simple things, unexpectedly that made you feel you were wearing a crown of unbelievable love it can happen here, careful, the tendency to drown but for the wings and wants of angels "no regrets" the attempts however flawed, you were found. alive and impassioned in a world that cannot understand you welcome to the inside of self we all have one, supposedly and all you will ever be, see, know in truth, is you so learn to, for once, and finally trust yourself. because the truth, the answers you seek come from him and you alone and together an experience undefinable, unknown, un-lived by anyone else. bowen hart roselli 30 july 2020 ringwald love
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 light leaks, the asylum i see
worn down by a world of people that don't care take your heart and strip it bare like savages, ravaging on the little scraps that are left leave you depleted, functionally bereft I'm no "snowflake" and I'm no "wuss" and, no, i don't "crunch n munch" on that thing "real men" eat, ends in y, rest is puss doesn't mean I'm not real or "a man" I'm just from the wired to get fucked by one, clan but that's where the similarities to "my kind" end, walking this life, "fucking freak" signals, send me, the awareness, i never quite fit with anyone or anything long enough to breathe, relax, sit and just "let shit be" feel secure in all i sense, see what's that, i smell? the embers burning, "take a hike, bro", to hell "and make sure once you get there, you remember, all you did to deconstruct, destroy, dismember".. your own self, for the expense of another overpowered, overcome by the "you offered it freely, so i took it", energy of others always with the dream, hope, wish that I'd be seen, the same light, gift i saw so "divinely damaged", in them beauty is, as beauty perceives love is as realized as the love it receives it takes a believer to embrace a deceiver like it takes a leash to train a golden retriever liars attract the truthful like the candy man attracts the youthful and you know what they say, it's because "he can" so careful, please, whose "hold", your heart, hand light leaks, the soul, speaks imparts it's art, then, bleeds, from the start... the start of "something" is it good, is it bad? "mixed signal madness" heightens the "happy", then devours you, the sad so I'm no weakling I'm actually quite strong to walk through fire, to try to show, real love, real connection, it's a "cherish", i abide problem is, here, the land of "excuse", and "run, hide" when "unusual" is found, the lengths of love, heart, inside cuz if everyone's not like that then there's surely something wrong with me lived out, lived through and though lessons learned, i remain committed to the asylum, i see the one in which bonds and "ships", do matter friend kind, relation kind, beyond all the lies and loss the wounds, they seep, but for you, the risk, it was worth the here, after... (because yes, i did feel, what you call "magic", i call rapture) bowen hart roselli 17 july 2020 ringwald love  life beyond me, filled with mysterious beautiful things all the things my limited blindness can't see awareness, when beyond this psyche, I'm freed investigations the difference, the forest from the woods the fine line between all the "cant'" and the "could" been one way for far too long opening the wounds to release the poison, get on... acceptance, silence internal predispositions to self-doubt, hatred, violence of the eviscerate my internal state the fear, the worry i arrived, too late to recognize, I'm "all in my head" want, learn to live, before i am dead learning to listen, i can hear, listen, him something in him, somehow speaks to the thirsty soul, there is life, sea of stars, beyond me i never set out, goal "I'm gonna see people, surroundings in the negative," but reality, hardships, took, yes, their toll and "pin holed" the prism, the telescope of sight, my soul became from widescreen, panoramic to something hyper-focused on "survival mode", no dynamic ability to see the magic, the wonder as this scarring scope, pulled me further inward, and under the labyrinth, abyss inner focused, within all my pain, all my mistakes all the "wrong path", darkened mistakes oppressive worlds, depressive swirls of the ugly, the shame an acute inability to thrive amongst the opportunity, the game just not my thing, not very good as in terrible at navigating, the "how to be" and "ways of the would" make it farther if i only could get past the inherent awkward of me beyond fractured psyche, shifts, kaleidoscopic, engulfing self-distrust, "set me free" and...then..something..strange.. inherently sweet, nucleus good, happened, changed before i knew it, could see what was happening he came, arrived to erase the words, the definitions the limited perspectives, rearranged opened my eyes, my landscape, self lies so ingrained, so small, in their scope brought forth, in his presence some sort of "moved", the teardrops whispered... hope a feeling, vulnerability i had long left behind inward introspection forever stuck, loops, the past, in rewind couldn't see much, called little beyond "self" not like i found, amongst this beyond indescribably beautiful man's dwell not a god, just so touchingly human present and sensitive and smart multidimensional lumens of light and fight and fearless to be near this.. man, this wonder of quiet magic, so powerful the gift of life, not "things" not anything, more than the experience of a connection, reciprocal an alignment to the allowable love. of opening self to the treasure, give pleasure heart, one's inner being, to another one who, soul essence, is the "utter" in utterly unlike any other I'd ever witnessed, encountered before made all of my selfish, fade away simply, sweetly not mean much anymore transcendence there is so much left to explore.. delicate intricacies of trees, nature water, open doors.. of mind and care and newfound"nevers", turned possible,in his "together", a blindness, given sight, strikingly naked, stripped bare a desirous submission, clean this engulfing feeling, he, the worth, in need, hope to please, opened, the skies, skin of sensual soul healing nothing untoward, revealing a love like i have never quite known It's real, it's alive as more inside this transcendence of tenderness shown.. he, the mystery, unfold i could not have fathomed could not have known upon me, just near him to the universe, enlightened in him, i can feel it, if i let it i am his, in that, i can feel him like no other, no, i am not here alone. future, bright then. if somehow he will, would accept, embrace, allow this there is no definition i can find for it except, among, within his extraordinarily beautiful... bliss. (this...just is...love, life, hope masculine mesmerize, magic, heart) transcendence bowen hart roselli 27 july 2020 ringwald love  moving through you, moving through me doubting all, that i feel, felt have seen.. a sensitive soul, here, a dangerous thing to be sensitive as in skinless, exposed to all the things that lie hiding, underneath things, that most, don't want you to see things, so haunting, they almost cannot be believed by eyes that search and seek, for escape of inner world realities so fractured, lost in a land full of falsehood and fake he told me, ominously "few, if any, have ever gotten as close to me, as you" the last night i saw him, face to face, as with him, he took, all my sky, bathed in blue and left, a lingering mystery, all it's own... what is this feeling, in my heart, found, you, "home" and the sensation, enveloped, my skin, soul, every pore "heaven on earth" as he stood before me, in "adored" as in, just him being near me, it filled me, with some unfathomable feeling, instilled me.. with some strange notion, yes, he, "the one" and now, in his absence sifting the damage, now done.. as to why we lie, to ourselves, seem to run away, in the always, what we seek, when it comes.. in forms and ways, we do, and did, not expect and yet, there we were, an almost palpable assurance of what would come next... this time, for him, i was the one, standing strong seeing beyond self, for "the fight" in it, "long" the kind called, ending in "haul" like the "forever", finally found, in "the fall" as if ears awakened to the sound, "heed the call" to a magic beyond both, bruised and broken, understanding seeking out the gods, "heavy lift", helping handing as nothing make sense, as to "why", him, or now i am haunted, the awareness this, what "with" feels when cut off, it's limb and replaced with "without" golden-hearted like an angel, who lies like the devil his hold, so warm, when gone, it leaves you disoriented, disheveled lies that come, spill naturally from a man, removed, his true self, too blind to see the effect they have, or he has, proved by the slain heart, ripped out and handed to him, moved... compelled to do so, in reflection, the mirror of a connection called "profound" as if, for the first time, i couldn't see or feel anything clearer.. and yet, disconnect and disavow is all he knows and so, the seeds of deny, deflect, only grow... which leaves me, this bleeding of a heart haunted, strangely, delicately, hopeful as here within, throbs a man the defining definition of undefinable as the "otherworldly" whispers here, the ultimate in allowance, we love to think we do, our intellect, opinions offered, shown but what exactly, in the madness of logic, do we really, in the realm of fate and fallen, forever, like heaven, truly know? bowen hart roselli 16 june 2020 ringwald love  I'm that guy... willing to walk through the fires of hell to stand by you, loyal to your light what is it they say, "you may not get what you want, but you might need what you find".. I'm tired of apologizing that i am a boy.. or a guy as you'd call me.. "man, dude, friend".. whatever makes you happy brings you a little bit of joy in the end they're just words a language you speak you never saw me coming, either do you really know what it is you seek? in a place where love is lost, like air can't breathe, any of us left with a soul, amongst all the dead eyed blank stares of those that surround, little than less, as in zero, to offer, place of profit, the god over all hollow you out, so you can partake in the prosper none of this matters to me, more than you but "bent", as in lop sided is our relation, shipped truth I've done all i could and then did a little bit more cuz i feel inside, deep, you are worth it, but tell me, am i really little more than an "oh yeah, you" convenience store? to drop in, out as you please, swift and quick an "affection atm" that you get all for free without even having to whip out your dick now that's a good deal, damn sweet, it is kinda like a dream come true that you never even had to waste, a wish but here's the thing, i am losing trust, you there are plenty of ways to get fucked, yes that might even include a spread for the screw that shit comes cheap, and easy, not you.. never have i seen you as anything but remarkable, true and that's what, yes, i deserve back too there is only one of us here who has not given much, still has a heaven of a lot left to prove of your word, i am starting to question it's worth as i walk amongst the trees follow your footsteps, soiled earth.. trying to understand you in a way most would not because i see you as one in a million but based on recent history, you seem to see me as someone easily "back pocketed", and even easier forgot same old story, doesn't work, not with you trust is like truth, both begin t-r-u so figure out if i matter, somewhere inside, I've sensed you feel the answer yes, we both know, i am, yes, in love with you and, final time, it's not my fault, I'm not a girl but in some ways you still like it and that doesn't seem to really matter to you... but then it does and you distance me, back burner i may be a love fool, but believe me, i am quick studied learner so figure it out, what you want and can give cuz even a fool can see i am gold, as is my love for you and so I'm calling bullshit this is no way for the long haul to continue to give my all or to live bowen hart roselli 12 july 2020 ringwald love  words on the winds of when... they are said. the moment, the reason the context, the "mean them".. as in too often, not and most often, forgot words are the one thing, come far too cheap, and require no thought just spit em out rare, integrity, taught to all us brats and bitches in school the first to go was "that golden rule" "yeah, gotta get rid of that" you, fool the one that drowned, in the belief deep, the pool that swarmed with people just leeches, legal to get away with the slaughter, they do the first "lynch mobbed" was the soul, in the truth words, just wiped like the ass, swiftly psyched to get it on, and get it over do anything necessary for self gain, like a boner hard and primed, for the pound pummel, puss puss or the ass, even better, cuz if you don't, your a wuss wuss just speak em, shit em out, and forget em only a fool or a retard believes when the name of this game is "all the moment", deceive dodge, weave deny, perceive that nothing you say has a lasting effect just syllables forming sentences frothed and foamed, at the mouth of the moment "no regrets" just as long as you've the ability to not take them to heart best not to believe them and all the better to forget so if you can remember these words then mark them well lived, well learned "don't forget".... bowen hart roselli 14 july 2020 ringwald love  doesn't matter if I'm straight or I'm gay cuz you don't give a fuck about me, either way doesn't matter if i swallow when i blow cuz out of your mind, i am, when you go doesn't matter if i bend, spread, far as possible cuz wiped, your hands clean of me once your stain released, washable no "ancient chinese secret, huh?", needed. "calgon didn't take me away", the gods repeated.. you just left, walked out that door cuz you can't bring home to momma a "found and almost fisted once" faggot friend or slightly semi-honorable ex-whore one who ate all your shit, wanted more ate, as in took, it wasn't that kind of adore cuz that's plain wrong, no matter how you slice it but i guess, "to each his own" for the rock, and the roll of the dice, it took a chance on you you shot your chute in me not literally, but figuratively and now inside you're all i see.. the first to feel, is the one to flee or so they say, but with you and me it was the reverse, a curse? that shit dispelled now, and over cuz this ain't the end i have yet to find out, you, a shower or grower? i have yet to be grabbed by the neck, deeply kissed with the force of a fire, one that burns, deeply missed you upon me, you not wanting to see that this shit is real tender, rough, magic found, "even steven", even keel torn, us both but together, quite sweet so I'll take it, however you want it, like it, in the sheets don't need the nasty as much as i just, damn, need you but a little verbal abuse, wouldn't hurt, as in call me your fuck boy, your bitch, when we screw then love me more after and treat me right, cuz I'm yours and i will, actually get down on my knees not only to give you blow jobs but to properly spic-n-span the floors so, take me home to momma, you won't but that doesn't mean that there's doom in the don't... ask or tell, it's all fine with me I'm good, "less please", the labels and even better without them, hopefully one day, you'll see... bowen hart roselli 7 september 2020 ringwald love  straight to the core, the essence, my soul no games, no garbage, no masks, no roles your arrow it shot there and pierced, unexpected absolutely nothing the same since looking out, all reflected as being either stupid and meaningless, hollow, detached or the opposite three dimensional electric ebullience, unmatched new discoveries puzzle pieces, foliage forest trails, hideaways blind to so much and never realizing, knowing this.. you have the most beautiful face i have ever seen mysterious, majestic eyes, lips fascinating beyond belief seems we are opposite, but in wander ways, the same my emote, your remote this heart, now yours, bruised yet emboldened tumultuously tamed don't want it? don't know cannot change it the truth is, has only grown a force, a fire blazed far beyond me all i know is all i see and i see you, feel you so deeply so delicately, profoundly utter, "the other", bathed in brilliance, beautifully your silence treading torturous yet all i know, want "more of this" with a "please" so genuine, raw, and pure i know you can feel it not used to it, me, unsure what to do with, make of it the mark you never intended but it's here now, your art tattooed, branded, invisible ink some things, like stars just are, no need overthink beyond sex, beyond skin beyond time, beyond end you, the most incredible, indelible my sky all i do is search for words but they all come back to beautiful that's why i can't and don't look away or stray like an intricate novel not a one act play there are two here, yes as in, this involves the within of taken, and so into you, me you have changed me altered me surrounded, entranced the tallest trees as i gaze up, awestruck you, the tallest one in my universe now you are all i see unwaveringly. acceptance of truth the center, now placed i never came, come harm you dismantle, disarm you all i wish, all i hope this heart, your allowance yes, it's yours and i feel, sweet somewhere, you know it so just let it be and breathe covet, love it and without words claim and own it. not dirty, not unworthy not like anyone or anything come before you the most beautiful man i never knew i would know there it goes, back to beautiful the last word on my lips spoke with depth drowning assurance that i can ever be, in complete, hold of confidence you all i hope one day to be in the presence, passion of again that's all that matters to me now... a man, because i can say that without reservation, fear or any ounce, trace of doubt you. the love pour i shine, bleed contusions a condition still, i get up again stand and give out, heart swells, the admission more of this unending, soul sending beautiful you adore. with your unplanned, unasked yet all seeing eyed, silent knowing permission. bowen hart roselli 17 september 2020 ringwald love  oh..i get it...I'm a people person..aah.
people person, pleaser, plucked from the depths, despair, then fucked around and with and deep, then up bound, determined, to face my shit, bad luck... born and worn and torn, aplenty mad mind, haunted by the far and the many who came (dirty mind) and conquered, saw and not... most just didn't bother much, then forgot... but really, some did, they tried can't lie but ran for the hills, what's behind these kind eyes twists and turns and fire, wound, burns think more "rug", less hug and a lifetime of lessons, "not quite" well learned it's like going back to poison, expecting it to be pretty it's like a skin crawl, bat, ball in the dug outs, leaving body, while sitting... knowing, god help me, my forced turn at bat with all the boys laughing, disgusted, "that's not a dude, that's a faggot, look at that".. "he's so scared, limp wristed, a girl, if he fucks this up, he's gonna get it," hair, back of neck then curls i wanted to do good, but i sucked, just not them a miserable wimp, failure let the beating up and the torture begin.. because of course, i struck out long before i learned about putting out.. but guys my own age never did me like that "that's what pedo's and mexicans are for" sorry, just the truth, where i sat honestly, nothing racist implied the majority back then, who liked to slip on my slide happened to be of that race and persuasion, and if it was different i would tell you, just not part of my equation.. sure, of course, a few white guys who taught me, told me more than a few "white lies" "now I'm gonna stick this, where the sun don't shine".. "and something in the way you walk like a girl, tells me you won't mind" i didn't, but i did i hated it, but hid all the pain, "please, let me die" first lesson you learn, don't you dare ever cry... "just wanted someone to like me", but really not them.. i realize now, i was secretly in love with my best grade school friend jim but he didn't know all inside was for hiding, so.. what do you do, where do you go? child of the 70's, in the 80's when pangs of puberty grow couldn't tell a soul and damn, the things i let done to my hole and even worse, my mouth, my mind that's just the deal, a boy born of "my kind".. bushes, creeks and mattresses, no sheets walking home, far out, my body just like holly, i guess everybody's got a purpose or a hobby ran inside, child of bad tv movie, borderline suicide... got my blades, not roller, but razor cut good and quick i shaped up to be one hellavu shaver of my wrists, my chest, my throat "slit boy, slut toy", well kept secret saver... but that got old my compelled, let, molested so had to move on to greater masochistic tendencies, tasks, invested... like looking for love, in "beyond wrong", the places long ago i fell out of favor, "god's loving graces"... so bars it was, and back alleys, the same searching for my "bad boy angel" big surprise, he never showed, never came... so, people pleaser i was, then, always boys, girls, beautiful they littered the haunt of my heart laden hallways as giving of love and sweet my only salvation to lift another up, the lonely hell here, my only sense of real starlit elation but that's not the way that many are i guess you gotta go through hell to understand the value of scars scars inflicted by myself, first and others it's hard to recognize sometimes who are the liars and who are the lovers but find the few i did.. so lets here then, rip the lid off the lesions for the lessons I've had my share of "heart melt belong" blessings in times, at the brink, couldn't take it anymore whether it was life or the boys' taunts or all the shit i did, become, "bleed the whore"... encapsulated in these names, divine the "book of love" in my heart, love of life, i got to be me eyes of mine, enshrined... christy, christopher, christina, eric tania, terah, julie, catherine the heights, emblematic, the others unnamed, esoteric loves of mine, so magically drenched with soul and a "god-like" touch, heaven sense... all of these few and a goddess kitten too.. not bad for a people pleasing, self defined "tortured homosexual", bathed in blue not ever quite really here, but in them i was seen, somehow real and so in love, so endeared a boy born to self-hate, take shit and be terribly confused by it all... kind of awkward, kind of "out there" but touched beyond real heaven and the stars.. who knew? and all that matters, in the end, was them not the bad shit. in a rebellion born of "bad fit" and all the "people pleasing" batshit of my crazy/cuckoo path started in youth and damn me, if it didn't end there.. that's the truth. bowen hart roselli 18 september 2020 ringwald love  addicted to escape yeah, I'll blame it on a rape one that lasted too damn long i guess it takes being weak to know you're strong... don't get me right cuz I'm plain, a pussy, fucking wrong seems everything i say and do seems, like sand, through the hand, it falls through... to the point of what, again, is the point? some roll, a hay, some roll a joint some grab a beer, some drown in tears me, i guess, i just live in fear so sick of that, so what's next is unclear I'd kill to be pounded and pumped, like the town that was the gas station, "the towne pump", smile, from frown things seem so glamorous when they're not my life, me seems everything is better, not embodied, in the embodiment of me, all i see... just an addict of him he, an addict of her she an addict of insult and status, self worth.. what's money gonna do at the end of a life absolutely nothing, but sure causes so much pain, so much slavery and strife... aah!, but wisdom, it comes as all the bullshit, it goes cash, the eternal pain in the ass but with comes security, less sweat "please don't ask"... how i know this, how i don't what I'll put up with, what i won't... a little affection and abuse the right way, deadly combination to my safe, my locked box within that makes me feel, sweet fuck salivate sensations... the ones, like lick the ground he walks on.. as he walks on me, twisted, gets my rocks off cuz warped and wounded is what i do best so he does me that way too and now I'm addicted, i confess but it's not what you think more "sweetheart", less stink up this place with garbage, doesn't matter all he says, was and is moves me to a place beyond shattered beyond all the stupid things that distraction does bring focused, him, favorite one lessens the sorrow, enlightens the sting on my lips, twice bitten and my hips, not yet ridden by his mount of a dangerous, divine its only, somehow, just a matter of time... alive now more than i ever could believe inside incredible fascination of what he might feel of my give, his receive some things, so strange to be too easily understood, believed all i know is, all i know stripped and stolen, still, the night, his retrieve of all the knowledge, all the facts all now silent, waiting addicted and all he has to do is take dominion. or if a gentleman, ask. bowen hart roselli 18 april 2020 ringwald love |
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