my name is utter devastation (think emotional/psychological)
and I'm here to tell you a little bit about myself. I am known to a very
special, select group of souls for whom my presence has made itself
a continual reminder throughout their lives. Yes, every single man, woman in this life sees me,
feels me visit them at least once or twice
(death of a pet, loss of a parent, a child, spouse, close friend, that kind of thing),
but for this special clan i am speaking of, i find them very young
(and we know how this world loves the young),
cut a hole deep inside them (such unspeakably ugly ways, you don't want all the lurid details of how i do it..trust me)
and thereby make, implant my mark, "my seed", so as to come back and strike upon them again,
in ways they often are too blinded, confused by me to see.....coming.
Poor souls, i know, I'm a dastardly, devious devil, but some tribe has got to balance
the scales for the more "normal" lives of so many people who seem get pretty much whatever
and whom they want with relative ease. You see, for these folk I'm speaking of, all the regular rules don't apply.
No matter how hard they try, work hard, pray harder, "be good soldiers",
it doesn't erase the mark, "the etch" placed inside them, I've made.
But it can't be all "doom and gloom", every hell has got to have a little heaven,
so i am known to shine some individualistic rays of light upon them,
give them some hopeful beauty now and again, otherwise they'd simply kill themselves
and that would be the end of it, end of me, no fun.
(the strong ones, they stay, but so sad, the ones that "opt out early", "off themselves",
no matter what little good i give, send their way, every now and again)
Utter devastation, i live to break these souls. Somehow they keep getting up though,
these extra special ones, at war with me, my cruel, bloodthirsty game.
That's why i chose them, although they'll never exactly figure out the "why them"...
If they did, maybe they'd be able to outwit, outrun, be done, me.
I mess up their minds so thoroughly, masterfully, that somewhere deep down,
they don't believe they can and live in fear that I'm always waiting, lingering, just....around...the...corner.
Strike! Surprise! Gotcha, another "not again' time.
I am utter emotional/psychological devastation and i live to see the deep, wrenching pain in their eyes,
hold them at night, as they sob, as they writhe.
How do i achieve this, beyond the more obvious of my ungodly acts?
(rape, molestation, beatings, muggings, murder, adultery, betrayal by a deeply trusted family member,
best friend, loved one, kidnapping of a child, horrible disease inflicted on the young,
car crash death, plane crash death, death during childbirth, etc...)
Well, It's very simple.
95% of the time, something hopeful, fruitful, positive comes along and i snatch it from them like a thief in broad daylight.
See, I'm nicer than I'm given credit for, I left a 5% offering of light, success, things working out,
evolving, coming to fruition, hope.
My "utterly devastated sensitives", so needy, wanting, selfish, i tell ya...
But back to me, my wily, wounding, ever damaging ways...
That job you worked so hard at?
Eh, i make em hate you and show you the door, smiling, blaming you for everything, of course.
That new romantic interest, so hard to connect, so hard to find?
I make em disappear, forget you for whatever reason i want, or can find.
That group of friends you thought you belonged to, made?
I make em gang up on, talk shit about you and quicker than you can say "hey",
I've sealed your fate and your bed, alone, once again, is made.
Those family members you thought had your back?
They just saw it as something to repeatedly break, crush, stab.
That person you bonded with, trusted with all your heart, best of your soul?
Surprise!, they really didn't pay you much mind, turns out all their kindness was a ploy for gain,
or worse, just a momentary "didn't mean much of anything to them" product of your fucked up,
delusionally fragile, ever still so hopeful mind.
Because you are just "that kind".
My favorite kind.
Sensitive. Creative. Thinking. Deep Feeling. Seeing. Sensing. Knowing.
And the all time worst, my favorite,
"Heart on sleeve" showing.
In and of me, utter devastation, both
forever changed, altered repeatedly and yet..
i have many intricate and numerous ways, I am utter devastation after all,
and those that know me, once too often throughout their lives, they know, yes, to fear me,
that I'm not some shallow attention seeking device. I cut deep. I scar the brain even deeper.
"For life", and if i had my way, far beyond that as well, (think that place that i come from, hell)
This is not some playtime game, nor for the weak, just the same.
The clan I've created, they know and live with me by name.
I guess you could say I'm unshakable, unforgettable that way....
and ultimately, my victory
is to make them so afraid of hope,
of hoping for anything sweet,
innocent, rewarding and lasting,
that they will simply live to outlive
me, and the weight of my pain
but damn, they are strong, i'll give 'em that, the ones that make it through, regardless of all i make
so utterly devastating for them, "so wrong".
maybe, when they least expect it, i'll give them a break and allow something good to happen, to last,
the ones that know the meaning of the fight, war waged long...
(remember, that 5% chance exists for them as long as they do)
So live and love on, in spite of, and for me, the one's, "my children", the haunting of me,
they know and feel all too well,
bowen hart roselli
12 december 2020
the realm of the poetic.
prisoner of the psyche and the inescapable. heart.