two, but one in an empty room

 nobody's lover,
nobody's god
nobody's wake up
in the morning, kiss sought

nobody's angel
nobody's light
nobody's desirous, of me
hold them tight

nobody's last thought
before drifting into dreams
nobody's "most wanted"
pin up guy, poster boy
to take to heights of heaven
unforeseen...

all the things I've died, felt for others
over ten lifetimes of "fallen knees",
lovers

to be ones' self here
and be it, true
dangerous, "destroy me then",
apparently the lesson,
time and karma have proved

who knows why,
who knows when
in private, deep down
we all pay prices, well practiced
our sins

and not some kind,
based religion, or "righteous"
just all the little things
accumulated, amassed
over lost days and lifetimes

tiny, shitty selfish gains
and subtle "shouldn't do to them"
shames
but "fuck it", right?
no evidence it matters
those twice used and "couldn't resist",
left here shattered

their fault, my fault,
your fault, ours
to each his own compass
navigation system,
how to get, reach for stars

and those "didn't make it"
well that's then, on them
we, "the people", problematic
pawns to each other's
self gaining whims

but screw me
for "speak to me"
of that light, mysterious, within
that ray, so gentle, clean, razor thin
that somehow ignites, beat of heart
love begin...

it exists here, in "yes"
and with a little more vulnerability
than we'd like to confess
just as some of experience
some exchange, souls, like sex
when felt, fires flourish
a real communion with another
whether or not, clothes undressed

problem is, it's acutely quite rare
too many liars and loveless, aware
too many takers, for the "uplift"
themselves
to many "sold offs", like cheap stocks
brokered, hell

"this for that",
your tits, my tat
my "welcome", your mat
"let's be honest", what's that?

so what's all this hiding,
all this masking here, about?
i can't tell you, I'm not yours
you my "with" wish, without

basis of fact.

louder than words,
your now caught, as in "act"

actions severely
more filled with a lack
of anything remotely, real caring
deck stacked...

against me
my blindness
engulfed in the memory
the "so touched" by your kindness
kindness that vanished
faded away, slow, the drip

yet all i could see
you, "the believed"
with the most beautiful lips...

ones i dreamed, be "the end all",
your kiss
but instead all i felt,
was your deceptive doublespeak fist

courage, it takes
to be nobody's, and know it
even more so, to live with it
walk alone here, and own it

nobody can help me
out of my, "yours" abyss
so with that, may i leave you,
like you fooled me, with this...

i may be "nobody's"
and most, no "belong" now,
found, you...

but at least i am capable
of knowing, what is lasting
called truth

something, you,
so "everybody's" wanted
has never had the strength
to, of yourself, be confronted

so please, play your game,
as you've mastered it well
but careful, the day
it catches up with you,

time will tell.

and all the "played"
that you cast out, fell, your spell
somewhere inside,
may it eat you alive
all your lies, where they dwell...

i know what i speak
because mine caught up with me
as well
the day that i met you
and didn't realize, the process
of my undoing, fate
the slow, aching "for you"

i fell.

and with that, you, the mirror,
of all the lies of a lifetime

I've been telling

myself.

we, the only two, in those rooms
all those months, together

but truly, it was just me, it seems

my heart, my affection

and nobody

else.


bowen hart roselli
23 october 2020
ringwald love