Trying.

trying to do the best i can
to be a semi-decent, considerate man
i'd be that too, if i were a woman,
some souls, here, are worth the proving

that "matter", yes, it really does
world of jaded, exhausted, was
once a place, we all, were kids
dreams, like skies, big, made a wish

upon the stars, we all did, once
before we "grew up",
found masks as "fronts"
to protect ourselves, a world of danger
called "fuck you, what do you want?,
you're a stranger"

because we've all been taken and took
hooked and booked and sadly mistook
by a society that pretends
"we're all one"
then demands you assimilate
or you're "no fun"

i once was one of the "popular kids"
did anything, everything
like patrick bateman, to "fit in"
and we all know what happened to him
went "american psycho",
killed again and again

or did he?
could've been all in his head..
"don't stare at it, eat it", as in pussy,
he said
he said a lot, that actually made sense
an outsider on the inside
and no matter what he did,
they barely seemed to remember him

sure, what he said,
left to the voices inside his head
thoughts that some of us get, relate
introverts, oddballs, those prone
to an averse to society,
"outsider" state..

so how did i, go from "popular" to not
some evils, they cannot be forgot
three friends, yes guys
decided one day
to go from "like" to "damned", despise
and tell everybody i was gay,
junior high

back then it wasn't a playground
of "embrace"
shit like that, was the "the scarlet letter",
with an "h"
as in hated, avoided,
spread like wildfire
obliterated, any chance to be
"one of them", "the admired"

i went from "inner circle"
to "circle jerk" full,
of "dicked around", mocked,
laughed at, beaten
utterly humiliated, banished
defeated

the worst part?
i never did, said anything
to those guys
about my inside, "guy love" thing
problem was, i just wasn't "right"
enough for them,
so destroy me, they tried

but all it did
was split me apart
and i road that train
like a work of art

"fuck you, one
and fuck you, all"
the pretty little "perfects"
who stomped on me, laughed
as they watch me fall

i had no friends,
i had no one, at all
and it's here i found
a new avenue, it's call

away from "the crowd"
and to "the few", i found out
were just being themselves, god forbid
freaks and "crazy ones",
those on "the fringe",
looking out, at "the in"

the truly profound,
intelligent and wise
the ones with the lonely sadness,
etched deep in their eyes

because this place
isn't as pretty, as it seems
for as many pure dreams,
there are those of ulterior motives
and schemes

navigating it all, can be quite rough
gotta stay strong inside,
on the outside, walls tough

tricky, "the try",
who to sense, safe, "let in"
fear, betrayal of intimacy
from the latest "love" or new friend

that's why i take it so serious,
too much, to the point of "out of reach, touch"
better off to be elusive, mysterious
with a hint of stand-offish allure, learned experience
like the ones I'm always drawn
the perfect opposite to my
"fall on my knees for and fawn"

as in gush over, glow
little hidden, heart on sleeve, shown
because i am not like that, with most
i try to be nice, but I'm detached,
removed, remote

the ones that make me work,
earn their love
once let in, like heaven
gift of a lifetime, from above

because they're the ones
i wish i could be like, am not
so back to the beginning
before the point is forgot...

trying to be a semi-decent, caring man
in a place, i so often, can't stand
we put each other, through hell,
and for what?

"work, work, work"
enslaved to schedules, "things"
and bank accounts stuffed

"i guess it's their way of floating
through this void, our reality",
a too wise for this world, man, recent, said
he, of the thinking, fearless mentality

it's inspiration of mind
and those touching, truly kind
that keep me trying,
while often filled with "give up",
can't wait, dying

yes, we all once, were kids
when all that mattered were dreams,
freedom, imagination, having friends

(and just maybe,
finding a lasting love, true
said the little boy, forever dancing,
a "valentine heart", love filled eyes,
through and through)


bowen hart roselli
22 july 2020
ringwald love