can't get past you, can't give up..

it's kind of amazing
the things we survive
a shrug of the shoulders,
rear view mirror, look behind
talking to ourselves, saying
"i guess that's just life"..

we are so terrible, borderline awful
to each other
awful, no not "traditional sense"
just in the sheer succumbed to state
utter, infinite selfishness

ego first, it seems, last, always
"gain for me", at the expense, faces
fall aways...

of anything, anyone
"too present", "too there"..
ask jesus, he knows
greatest sin, "too much care"..

for another, anointed
by the broken, disjointed
body tied mind, tied sensitive
tied kind..
we, these, "the ones"
most likely lost here
as in out of our fucking
"think, feel for ourselves" minds

because
who has the thought,
who has the time
when "self" is all one sees
in the mirror,
the camera, the image
the illusion, now clearer

than the blur of actual,
factual reality
those so loyal, present to you
the first to be ripped apart,
the last to be glued

back together,
this "now or never"
place, little trace
of continuity, grace
upon the fragile, tender, of time
it's stab, grab what you can
and "it's all good" if all the good
it is mine

spotlight hoarded
little to no realized,
real remorse, this..
reality we all end up, the same place
so few, true, remember us
if not in your face, gone,
little to no, romanticized trace

and all of our bullshit
what, exactly, the purpose of it?
soundbites, detached nights
"pathologically positive"
more the frenzy, less the fight

to maintain, sustain
the soul, something real
something, so damned then
real fear is that which struck you
sweet sided, to feel

feeling reserved
for the perfectly posed
and placed, "next to no one"
it's destroy the heart, hurry it up
and drop the knife, flee, faster
on the run...

the road to nowhere, ruin,
what have you...
if amongst the no one's you can't see,
the one, remained steadfast
in their love for you,
a "once in a lifetime" belief

friend or foe
can you tell the difference?
does it matter, if it demands
consideration and care
the ability to be human,
it's such a waste of time,
a hindrance

what with texts, returned, to avoid
and games of gain to rejoice
and phone calls to never make
and so much "get and grab"
for the take

so are you my fate?
or my fatal mistake
can't get past you, can't give up
because before, amongst you
i felt something
I'd never truly before experienced
something in multitudes,
layers of love, emotion,
mysterious

the weight of wind mixed with earth
mixed with stars, soaked the skin

and i heard a voice inside, unknown
that whispered,

"my god, i can't believe it...
i can feel something so different now, this encounter with him"..

(and how did this happen?
in his torturous absence
that question devours me daily
all the self doubts and maybe's..

but...."maybe not's"..
let time and patience prevail,
no "forgot"...
to say or do the things, "lived truth"
fearless and fire blessed,
it all begins and ends, here

beyond me, become you...)


bowen hart roselli
1 september 2020
ringwald love